From the Mother of a Daughter (to Mothers of Sons)

Out of the many, many people I seem to know who are either pregnant now or recently had a baby (I’m at that age in life, I guess), it seems like most of them had or are having boys. I can think of two others besides myself with baby girls. My Facebook newsfeed is just a constant stream of little blue banners and proud proclamations of “IT’S A BOY!” And let me just say again…congratulations to all of you; there is nothing wilder or more wonderful than having a baby, whether boy or girl, and I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

But I also want to say that I am a little bit envious.

And before you assume that means I don’t love my daughter, let me say that is not what I mean at all. It is because I love my little girl more than I could have ever imagined that I envy you all. Just hear me out.

You all no doubt love your sons as much as I love my daughter. But you will never have to worry that the child you love is valued less because of his sex. This might sound like a thing of the past, but no one ever questions the value of a boy. Boys can accomplish anything – there are no bars on what a man can do. He can dream of being anything and he has a much higher opportunity of attaining it. He can play sports, he can carry on the family name, he can be president, or a CEO…girls? Well, you can…dress them up? I mean girls are cute, they’re all fine and dandy – but a boy! A son or grandson! That’s really something!

No, I have not had anyone in my family say they would have preferred to have another boy (even though my extended family is on the girl-heavy side), but that fear is still there – that my girl will have to compete with the boys for love and affection, to be seen as someone who’s worth something. I feel very defensive of my girl. It honestly breaks my heart that anyone could ever think less of my child because she wasn’t born with a dangly bit between her legs. I am terrified of raising a girl, and of having to defend her.

I am terrified to bring up a girl in a world where they are still routinely undervalued and exploited. I don’t intend for this to be a feminist rant, but the fact still stands. People seem to be under the impression that masculinity and “manhood” is constantly under attack. I assure you, it is not. Take a look at who makes the money, at who is in charge of large companies and government. Heck, look at a football game. Men are the stars, the ones with the faces and the big bucks. Where are the women? They are a sideshow. I don’t mean to insult cheerleaders, but they are decorations with boobs and smiles who contribute nothing. They are something to be ogled if the camera focuses on them, for people to go “yum, look at that,” but if they weren’t there you wouldn’t even notice they were gone. I don’t ever want my daughter to be just a nameless pretty face or a sexy body or a man’s sideshow.

I am terrified of raising a girl in a world where rape and violence and even sex trafficking still happen. Maybe that’s being paranoid, but it happens – even here in the US. I am going to teach her to defend herself and to be smart, but it still upsets me that she should even have to worry about walking to her car alone at night or setting her drink down at a party. It scares me to think that if anything ever happened to her that people would say it was her fault, that she should have been smarter.

So, to all the mothers of sons out there, I have a request.

Teach your boys to be soft.

Not to be wimps. By all means, teach them to stand up for themselves and to go after their dreams.

However, it seems like there is a double-standard here. In my experience, it’s cool to like things boys are supposed to like, whether you’re a boy or a girl. If a woman is a “hard-ass,” if she likes beer and sports and cussing and working on cars, everyone applauds because she’s being a strong, independent woman. But if a guy likes traditionally “feminine” things, it’s not cool. That stuff is for girls…it’s lame. Come on.

But teach your sons to dance anyway. Teach them to understand the subtleties of colors and patterns. Teach them to appreciate art. And even if they don’t, teach them that it’s okay that others do.

Teach them what “no” means. Teach them not to just see girls as objects to be pursued. Teach them to see girls as people, as daughters and sisters and friends – whether they see them on TV or pass them on the sidewalk. Teach them to stand up for girls – not just because girls need to be protected, but so that maybe one day they won’t need to be.

In return, I promise to teach my daughter not to use her sex to manipulate or as an excuse, because I know that girls have a tendency to sometimes do that. I want her to be genuinely independent, to be able to do things on her own and not just get a boy to do them for her. But I need her to have that chance to be independent.

Mothers of sons, you have a chance to change the world, to make this mother of a daughter worry a little less.