I decided to call this blog "The Small One" because that's what I've been calling the baby so far. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl, and saying "it" is really weird when referring to a person. So "the small one" it is. I might even keep "small one" as a nickname after the baby is born too.
"Hi there, small one! Mommy is so happy to see you!"
"Small one, why are you coloring on the walls? Don't you know that makes more work for mommy?"
"Have a good day at school, small one!"
"Hey small one, how did the job interview go?"
I don't know if I'll really say "small one" forever, but the idea amuses me.
Today is also a good day to start this blog because it makes 3 months to the day since we found I was pregnant. I remember this exactly because we were going to see Cirque du Soleil that night - we still have the tickets, and we decided they needed to go in the baby book, because they're a perfect reminder of that day.
On a related note, finding out you're pregnant is not as glamorous, amusing, dramatic, or romantic as you would think. Earth shaking, yes. But in a very quiet, private sort of way. At least it was for me. It was nothing like in the movies, where barfing tipped me off. I mercifully never got sick. No...the only "signs" I had were bursting into tears randomly in class while discussing injured veterans in class one day and being ravenously hungry for a few weeks. And telling Michael was not very romantic, like all those cute, corny ideas you see on Pinterest. But anyway...
On November 14th I woke up and as I went in the bathroom to go pee Michael mumbled, "You should take a pregnancy test."
I just thought to myself, why? it's not like I'm late or anything (I'm terrible and don't really keep track anyway). But I grabbed the random box of Walgreens-brand pregnancy tests on the shelf above the toilet, ripped one open, and took a whiz anyway.
Now, the wait after peeing on the stick is always awkward. You just sit there holding something you peed on, and you're not sure what to do with it. Setting it down somewhere would be gross. So you just sit there on the toilet with your pajama pants around your ankles, holding a urine stick and waiting for that line to creep on through the little window and tell you whether you're pregnant or not.
Creeping...
Creeping...
Holy shit. What does that vertical line mean? Does it mean what I think it means? I mean, it's really faint...it's getting darker...
"Oh my god." My jaw dropped and I clapped my hand stupidly over my open mouth and my eyes got really big. "Oh my god. Oh. My. God." I decided Michael needed to see this. He was still in bed, so I walked in kind of hesitantly and held it in front of his face.
He barely opened his eyes. "What does it say? I can't read it."
This was not the reaction I was hoping for. "It's positive." What would it be other than positive? It's not like I would just stick something I peed on in your face for no reason.
He just smiled and said "Really?" Then he got up and went in the bathroom and started getting ready to go to school. It was possibly the most anticlimactic moment of my life. So I followed him in, put the cap on the test, and set it on the counter.
It was the weirdest sensation in my life. I don't know if words could really describe it. I was shaking, and partly excited, and largely scared out of my mind. I was afraid of moving. Was it just floating around in there? Would it fall out if I moved too much? Were we even ready for a baby?
I've always considered myself very pro-life, but in that panic I could understand exactly why someone would ever want to get an abortion. Your whole world is shaken up.
Then Michael finally gave me a kiss, and I think he asked me if I was excited. I don't remember how I responded; I was too busy freaking out. I think he also asked me if he could tell his best friend Q. Honestly, I had wanted to tell some other people first, but we were the first ones Q told when he and his wife found out they were pregnant a few months before, so I said that was fine.
The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I went to classes like normal, but it all seemed completely different. But at least now I had an explanation for why I was so hungry and tired. I think I probably kept rubbing my tummy, wondering if anyone could tell.
I went to Walgreens on my way home from school and bought two more boxes of different brands of pregnancy tests, just to be sure. All of them said positive. Amazingly, each little plus sign made me feel a little better.
We went out to dinner before going to Cirque du Soleil that night, and I skipped out on wine with my chicken that I was paranoid about eating in case it wasn't cooked all the way. I only ate three bites of dessert, then almost fell asleep in the show. It's not like it was boring...the show was really good, I was just exhausted from such an emotional day, and when the action slowed down I just started nodding off.
Really, I've been tired ever since.
